George Carlin is the best personification of American humor. He became a pioneer in the stand-up genre, and his performances were sorted into quotes by many generations of people. What is the secret of his success?

If something is funny, it must have been illuminated from the stage. Because of too sharp humor, he often received threats, and the wave of indignation knew no bounds. His quotes were so topical that he was often invited to various shows, wrote columns in satirical magazines, and was repeatedly involved in creating scripts for films.

At his performances, the audience literally exploded with laughter, often after a short pause. His jokes are designed for an intelligent person capable of being critical of the world and himself.

He often ridiculed laws and policies, with religious figures and human relations. But each phrase was so close to ordinary people that he gained fame as a real folk humorist.

The only thing that saved him from trouble was that he managed to gain universal recognition before he began his performances. He did not try to offend anyone, but simply said what he saw. His quotes were heard in kitchens, in men’s and women’s companies, among teenagers, businessmen, politicians, and show business stars.

This is truly creativity without boundaries. He went to heaven long ago, but his monologues are still incredibly popular on the World Wide Web, become memes, are used wherever possible.

Check out his great quotes now. Well, grinned?

Perhaps this is a reason to get to know yourself better and fix some flaw.

Best quotes by George Carlin

This is actually a lie. Every word is the best. His leisurely and emotional manner only amplified the effect.

“If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?”

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

“It’s never just a game when you’re winning.”

“One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.”

“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”

“People who say they don’t care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don’t care what people think.”

“I bet you anything that times out of , Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the s**t out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.”

The most poignant quotes by George Carlin

The joke must be said to the point. If this is not done, then it loses half of its relevance, and sometimes it will not even cause a smile at all. George Carlin knew how to catch the mood of the crowd and their problems very skillfully.

“I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend. I didn’t bother with him.”

“I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“I often warn people: ‘Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no ‘I’ in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an ‘I’ in independence, individuality, and integrity.”

“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.”

“You show me a lazy p***k who’s lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to p**s, and I’ll show you a guy who’s not causing any trouble.”

“If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.”

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

“If four out of five people suffer from diarrhea … does that mean that one enjoys it?”

George Carlin Quotes for Smart People

George Carlin Quotes and Sayings

If usually the hall is washed by a fleeting wave of light laughter, then only not in this case. First, a short pause, and then a growing funny storm. This is a feature of George Carlin’s quotes.

“I’m completely in favour of the separation of Church and State. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“It’s important in life if you don’t give a s**t. It can help you a lot.”

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.”

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”

The most interesting quotes by George Carlin

This is truly a select selection. The best thing that the famous comedian and actor managed to create.

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $ apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.”

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“I think I am, therefore, I am … I think.”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“I think people should be allowed to do what they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.”

“When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot’s hands.”

“I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

George Carlin’s quotes about life

Despite the fact that he often ridiculed many aspects, George definitely loved this world. His life cannot be called smooth, it is a thorny path that he went through, and then began to observe, creating unique jokes.

“Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”

“I don’t have pet peeves. I have major psychotic f**king hatreds.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f**kin’ heroic.”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bulls**t they teach you in school.”

“My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.”

“If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.”

“War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class men off to die.”

George Carlin’s Quotes on the Edge of Decency

Yes, he really was periodically very indecent, dropping to the level of obscene words. But people still laughed after their cheeks turned red with shame. He said things that are not customary to speak out loud.

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain’t it, you’re both f**ked.”

“If you can’t say something nice about a person, go ahead.”

“The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.”

“Some people see things that are and ask, ‘Why?’ Some people dream of things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’ Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”

“Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?”

“Don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

“Some people have no idea what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“‘Bipartisan’ usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”

Social quotes by George Carlin

Funny quotes from George Carlin

He saw people through the prism of his own intellect. And then he skillfully ridiculed their main shortcomings and vices.

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.”

“When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’ months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.”

“If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.”

“Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes: Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

“My mother would say, ‘Why are you always playing alone?’ And I would say, ‘I’m not playin’, Ma. I’m f**kin’ serious!”

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.”

“Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?”

Powerful quotes by George Carlin

We’re sure you already feel the power of each phrase. George Carlin had an incredible art of words, when a small combination permanently incapacitated the audience with the help of laughter.

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”

“Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.”

“People always tell me ‘Have a nice day.’ Well what if I don’t want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?”

“The planet is fine. The people are f**ked.”

“Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.”

“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”

“I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?”

“Things you never hear: ‘Please stop sucking my d**k or I’ll call the police.’”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

The most meaningful quotes by George Carlin

Oh yes, he put a lot of sense into it. This is why he gained an enduring reputation as a prophet. George was just voicing what he saw.

“‘Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.”

“Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.”

“A good motto to live by: ‘Always try not to get killed.’”

“I’m happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

“Bulls**t is truly the American soundtrack.”

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.”

“Think off-center.”

“He — and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever f**k things up this badly.”

Quotes by George Carlin on Society Issues

Quotes by George Carlin on Society Issues

Nobody likes to talk about flaws. He constantly found what people are trying to cover with a mask. But the masquerade ended very quickly under the barrage of his jokes.

“How can [God] be perfect? Everything He ever makes dies.”

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.”

“There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.”

“When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.”

“There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.”

“Would a fly without wings be called a walk?”

“If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.”

“When you’re born into this world, you’re given a ticket to the freak show. If you’re born in America you get a front row seat.”

George Carlin quotes that are relevant at all times

How many years will it take for the relevance of these aphorisms to be lost? It seems that people will learn to fly to distant planets and establish their cities there, but George Carlin’s quotes will still amuse them and make them think. All this because he found truly eternal points of contact with his audience.

“‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: ‘Alcohol will turn you into the same a**hole your father was.’”

“Life is not measured by the number of breath we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.”

“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to f**k.”

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.”

“Religion is just mind control.”

“The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.”

“There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. ‘Tom, I’d like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.’ These days, ‘Trajedi.’”

Final compilation of quotes by George Carlin

And if that wasn’t enough for you, just watch the show from the great comedian. Fortunately, almost all of his live performances remained on video, in numerous books and in the memoirs of contemporaries.

“Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.”

“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”

“Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do ‘practice?’”

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

“Let a smile be your umbrella, and you’ll end up with a face full of rain.”

“Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.”

“Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.”

“Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.”

“I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.”

“Don’t just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

“Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.”

“I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.”

“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“So, have a little fun. Soon enough you’ll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.”

“Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.”

Humour as a necessity

It is very sad that he passed away so early, but he left behind a huge legacy. Sometimes one gets the feeling that his quotes will be relevant in 500 years. It is better to study his wisdom, life experience and the unique feature of seeing this world without stereotypes. You can do this through his quotes right now.

George Carlin showed the world that we should laugh at every situation when an opportunity presents itself. When humorists were censored by their own consciences, he could easily find a place for laughter in any acute social problem. Incorrectly adopted ridiculous laws have repeatedly become his target.

Americans say that he had more influence not on politicians and their decisions than the entire nation. After all, they also included viewers watching George Carlin and attending his public appearances.

It’s hard to believe, but in life he was a modest man, and all his witty jokes remained only the property of the audience. This comedian behaved quite seriously in everyday life.